I had a fantastic Mother’s Day this year. It’s probably the first one I’ve spent with my own mother and both sisters since I became a mother seven years ago. It was pretty significant. There was the mother’s day tea in John’s preschool class, complete with adorable gifts, a song and muffins. Brendon made me cards and wished me Mother’s Day bright and early with a hug and a kiss. I went on a five mile bike ride Sunday morning and came home to a bountiful brunch all made by my hubby (he’s a keeper!) complete with a box of cupcakes from Sublime! My brother in law and his girls came over for brunch and brought me flowers. He’s such a considerate man with a loving spirit. My in-laws did well raising their boys.
But there in the midst of it all, I was in such a dark place. It took hold earlier in the week and gripped me like something I had never experienced before. As much as I tried to shake it, this terrible mood, sadness and anger, crept back in every chance it could. I found myself lashing out at loved ones, being short with my clients and wishing I could hide under a rock and never be found. It was a desperate, dark and lonely place. I can’t say I have ever personally suffered from depression, but I have now seen a bit of what it must be like. A hole so deep and there is no way out.
Every season of life has its challenges for sure. Is this the fate of women in their early 40s, as they near the dreaded menopause era? Was it the bitter blessing in the selling of our North Carolina house? Our continued adjustment and unsettled feelings after leaving the military? An uncertain future of what lies ahead…I still don’t know what brought it on. If only I knew.
After brunch, hubby took the boys to his parent’s for a Mother’s Day visit. At which point, I melted into a puddle of tears for a solid 20 minutes. It turned out to be just what I needed as a catalyst for change. I wrote the majority of this blog, dove into work for 30 minutes and then followed that by a 30 minute run. I felt the gloomy clouds in my mind rolling away. My husband is an amazing man. He never asked me to be “happy” to “enjoy my day”. He just took it as it was and gave me space and free time.
We rounded out the day with a visit to my Dad and stepmom, complete with Brendon finally getting to hold some baby chicks and left with a bushel (or two) of eggs. Followed by an early dinner with the extended Walker clan and last but not least a photo of my mom and her girls. I think the last of these group shots was almost 15 years ago at our wedding.
*A special thanks to my bestie Christie for her “fake it, till you make it” advice and for surviving me acting like a turd from time to time.*